The Mental Load of Back to School

Guest post by Becca Hamilton LPC, PMH-C

Back to School as Moms and as a Family 

When I think about the back-to-school season, I often think about mothers first. I think about the quiet pressure that builds before the first bell rings such as the supply lists, permission slips, calendar changes, sports, schedules, lunch planning and all of the tiny details that somehow end up living in one person’s head.  

Take a slow breath in. Let it out slowly. If this season already has your thoughts spinning in every direction, I want you to know that you are not the only one feeling that way. For many families, the return to school is framed as a “fresh start.” While there can be excitement, structure, and a sense of momentum that is helpful, this season also brings a heavier reality for many moms…the feeling that they are the one holding everything together.  

In my work, I often see how the back-to-school season brings the mental load into sharp focus. This is the unseen work of remembering, anticipating, organizing, and managing the moving parts of family life. Even when mothers are not the ones physically completing every task, they are often the ones carrying the full mental map of what needs to happen and when. That role can come from love, commitment, and care. And still, it can become deeply draining when it is carried alone.

Understanding the Mental Load 

When I speak with mothers about the mental load, I often describe it as more than a checklist. It is the ongoing effort of noticing what needs attention, planning ahead, remembering details, and staying one step ahead of everyone else’s needs.

It can often look like: 

• Realizing a child needs new shoes before school starts
• Keeping track of teacher names, classroom routines, and important dates
• Managing appointments, activities, and shifting family schedules
• Picking up on emotional changes and noticing when a child needs extra support
• Constantly answering the question of what needs to happen next 

The most glaring aspect of the strain is not only about how many tasks there are, but the continual shift between roles of parent, partner, employee, household manager, emotional anchor, and individual person with needs of her own. Over time, this kind of responsibility can show up as stress, irritability, emotional fatigue, and a sense of being disconnected from yourself. Research on household labor has shown that when one person carries most of the planning and remembering, the burden becomes both cognitive and emotional (Daminger, 2019).  

I hear mothers say things like, “I feel like I am always on.” This makes complete sense to me because when you are the one holding so many of the details, it can feel nearly impossible to ever rest your mind.  

Giving Yourself Grace During a Season of Transition

One thing I remind mothers often is that transitions rarely unfold as neatly as we imagine they will. Back-to-school season is often presented as polished and exciting (think about the perfect first-day photos, the fresh notebooks, the sense of a clean state.) But real life is usually…messier. Children may have big feelings as they adjust to new teachers, earlier mornings, different expectations, or unfamiliar routines. Parents may feel pressure to keep everything running smoothly while also managing their own emotions about the season shifting.  

This is where self-compassion becomes so important. Kristen Neff’s work reminds us that self-compassion can strengthen resilience and soften the harsh inner criticism that often shows up during stressful times (Neff, 2003).  

When I think about giving yourself grace, I think about things like: 

• Remembering that one hard morning does not mean you are a bad parent
• Releasing the ideas that everything has to be perfectly organized
• Choosing connection over perfection
• Speaking to yourself with the same kindness you would offer another overwhelmed mother 

I do not think the goal is to make the transition flawless! I think the goal is to make it supported.  

Balancing Everyone’s Needs While Remembering Your Own

One thing I notice often in my work with mothers is how easily it becomes to care for everyone else while quietly setting your own needs aside. Somewhere along the way, many moms begin believing that their needs should come last. But the truth is, your well-being matters, not only because you deserve care, but because caring for yourself allows you to continue showing up for the people you love.

As you settle into this new season, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself: 

• What do I need right now? 
• Where could I ask for support?
• What expectations can I release?
• What would help me feel more grounded? 

Remember, you do not have to earn rest or support!

Small Habits That Can Make This Season Feel Lighter

While there is not a perfect formula for an easy transition, I have found that small shifts often make the biggest difference. Creating simple routines can reduce decision fatigue. Preparing a few things the night before can make mornings feel less rushed.  Having conversations with your partner or support system about sharing not just the tasks, but the planning behind them, can help lighten the invisible load.

And perhaps most importantly, decide together what matters most this fall. Maybe it is peaceful mornings instead of perfect lunches. Maybe it is fewer activities and more family dinners. Maybe it is to protect the margin instead of filling every afternoon.  

Your needs matter, your rest matters, your mental health matters! When mothers feel supported, families do not simply get through the season, they flourish! 

 

Becca Hamilton, LPC, PMH-C is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Perinatal Mental Health provider at Mère, a virtual women's health clinic offering real clinical care for every chapter of motherhood. She is passionate about creating a safe, compassionate space where women feel seen, supported, and empowered in their healing. Outside of work, Becca enjoys spending time outdoors, running, reading with her book club, and making meaningful memories with her family.

Sources:

Daminger, A. 2019. The cognitive dimension of household labor. American Sociological Review, 844, 609–633.

Hochschild, A. R., & Machung, A. 2012. The Second Shift \(Rev\. ed\.\). Penguin Books.

Neff, K. D. 2003. Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 22, 85–101.